The Myth of Me - When Marriage Becomes Self-Focused
It’s Not About You in Marriage... It’s About Us
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”
— Philippians 2:3
I didn’t realize I was making marriage all about me — not at first.
It wasn’t some blatant, rebellious thing. I loved my husband, I was committed to our family, and I thought I was doing what was right. But looking back, I can see how often my internal narrative was centered around me:
Why do I always have to be the one to say something first?
Doesn’t he see how much I’m doing?
Why can’t he be the one to move to the middle more?
I wasn’t trying to be selfish — but my expectations, frustrations, and sense of fairness were quietly placing me at the center of our marriage. And the more I did that, the more disconnected I felt. I thought I needed him to change. I thought I needed the situation to shift.
But what I really needed was a new foundation.
A Covenant, Not a Contract
When we treat marriage as a contract, we operate on conditions:
If you do this… I’ll do that.
If you hurt me… I’ll pull away.
If you’re not fulfilling my needs… I’m justified in withholding love.
But marriage isn’t a contract. It’s a covenant — something sacred, initiated by God, and designed to reflect His relationship with His people (Ephesians 5:31–32). And covenant love doesn’t start with what I’m getting. It starts with what I’ve been given — and what I’m called to give in return.
My Turning Point
I’ll never forget one particular moment.
I was in a season where I felt invisible — like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t connect or communicate well with my husband. He had to work long hours at his job in downtown Atlanta because of a company merger, and I carried more than my normal share of things at home. I had been drowning for days, withdrawing emotionally, convincing myself it was justified. I sat down to journal my frustrations, and the words spilled out fast:
“I don’t think that I can handle any of this anymore, especially when we can’t seem to communicate about the situation.”
That’s when the Holy Spirit stopped me. Gently but clearly, I sensed Him saying:
“Maybe this isn’t about the situation changing or communication improving. Maybe this is about you surrendering.”
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear — but it was what I needed to hear.
Because surrender didn’t mean silencing my voice. It didn’t mean becoming small or avoiding honest conversations. It meant laying down my right to self-focus so I could pick up the call to love well — to choose the “us” of marriage over the “me” of frustration.
The God-Ordained Family
If you have been following us for any length of time at all, you know that at Legacy Parenting, we teach that marriage and family are sacred institutions — not conveniences. Not coping mechanisms. Not personal development projects.
They are God’s design for shaping hearts, building legacy, and revealing His character to the next generation. And your children? They are always watching.
They are learning how to love by how you love.
They are learning how to respond to difficulty by how you respond in conflict.
They are learning what covenant means — not from a sermon, but from your example.
So when we make marriage all about us — our needs, our preferences, our hurts — we shrink the picture God is painting. But when we shift the lens toward unity, sacrifice, and spiritual purpose, we step into something far bigger than personal fulfillment.
We step into legacy.
Questions for Reflection:
In what areas of your marriage have you made it about you instead of us?
When conflict arises, is your instinct to protect your position — or pursue unity?
How is your current mindset shaping what your children believe about marriage?
Next Up:
Part 2 — “The Covenant We: What Marriage Was Always Meant to Be”
We'll dive deeper into God’s original design for marriage — and how shifting from a mindset of fairness to one of faithfulness can transform your home.
